


I know I never asked, but I need you to help me

by ChildishLandino



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Belonging, Canon Compliant, Fear, Loneliness, Loss of the Force, Panic Attacks, Sensory Deprivation, Soft Kylo Ren, angst but soft, sad rey, sad stuff with ending fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 10:35:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20872781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChildishLandino/pseuds/ChildishLandino
Summary: Rey has lost touch with the Force, in an attempt to reconnect with it, she tries sensory deprivation as suggested by Kylo. This leads to anguish on Rey’s part, and a rescue on Kylo’s.





	I know I never asked, but I need you to help me

**Author's Note:**

> This stemmed from a prompt created by my dear friend [theselittlefics](Http://www.twitter.com/theselittlefics) on twitter as stated here:   
“Canonverse: Rey goes into a sorta sensory deprivation tank to connect with the Force, too embarrassed to tell Kylo how water still scares her sometimes after growing up on a desert planet. Cue panic, breakdown, Kylo opens the tank, and comforts her to help her conquer her fears.” 
> 
> I didn’t completely stick to it, but it is similar! I hope you like it, friend!!! 
> 
> Another shout out goes to weddersins for being the most amazing beta on the planet! 
> 
> The title comes from the song “I’m Drowning Alone” By Evergrey and it definitely the song you should listen to upon reading this fic. 
> 
> I hope you, the reader, enjoy! Please let me know what you think! Your feedback is everything.

_Release me from darkness_   
_Release me from all that chains me here_   
_I'm drowning in silence_   
_And I'm drowning alone_

_I hate to ask but I wouldn't if I didn't need it_   
_Not stronger on my own_   
_I'm weaker just so much weaker_   
_And I know I never asked_   
_But I need you to help me_

Her heavy breath echoed through the damp, endless cave. It was coming in rapid bursts, near panicked. Her lungs never fully filled, still the harshness of each exhale was deep and lengthy. Her hands gripped either side of the small enclosure she was in, the lower half of her body submerged in the water already. 

It was cold. 

Cold enough to cause an ache in her limbs. But that was supposed to be better for this...endeavor. Another inhale, she tried to hold it longer. Her eyes scrunched closed, she focused on the reason behind all of this. Her fingers tightened just a bit more on the jagged edges of rock. 

Here she was, deep under the ground, in a cave glittering with the Force - the only source of light. Down as far as she could go, seeking out a pool large enough for this experiment. She was alone - though not completely. 

He was in the cave as well. Just keeping his distance. He couldn’t interfere. 

Rey had been separated from the Force for months now. She could see it’s shimmer in the cave, but she couldn’t feel it. Not even a whisper. This had not been intentional, she felt it slowly simmer into nothingness over the course of a few weeks. Suddenly, she wasn’t connected to anything. She couldn’t focus, the sudden void in her being causing distraction and panic. 

The silence echoed, reverberating off every corner of her head. Her ears rang at the emptiness she felt. She couldn’t sleep at night, tossing and turning. Fear constantly perpetuated her thoughts. She could feel herself spiraling. 

He had sensed it. Ben - no,  _ Kylo _ . He came and found her, somehow. He said he was worried. She wasn’t sure how he knew where she was, she hadn’t bothered to ask. In a lapse of judgement, she told him exactly what had happened. She knew it had sounded pathetic. As soon as the explanation left her lips she froze. This would be his chance. He would end her, easily. Then nothing would be standing in his way. He would win. 

But Kylo ... surprised her. The look in his eye was of genuine concern, he expressed how much he wanted to help her. She felt a small amount of peace swath her body. Momentarily reassured, she promised to trust him. Rey’s situation was bizarre and he knew it. Kylo had taken the time to research it, study, meditate. He was the one who suggested this method. 

Sensory deprivation. 

Submerging herself in the silence of water, closing her eyes to the reality around her - floating; losing all sense of touch. It would just be her and her self. That way she could focus -  _ really  _ focus - on the Force that had to be within her still and find a way to draw it back out. 

She had to admit that it made sense. Kylo was surprisingly well versed in the Force. Yes, he had trained with Luke all those years ago...but still, it threw her off when he expressed his knowledge, when he seemed so confident in ways to manipulate the force. 

Kylo was also the one that said Rey needed to be alone for this. If he were nearby it could distract her. She needed to focus on her own Force signature and not anything else. She asked him to at least be close enough to hear if things were to go wrong. She didn’t want to die alone if it came down to that. 

Rey knew she was being ridiculous. 

The water sloshed around her as she shook out her legs. Rey forced her fingers to loosen their grasp on the edges, feeling the blood rush back and realizing she had cut her palm. She tried to relax her shoulders, tense and nearly up to her ears. She rolled her neck, took one more deep breath and sent a quiet plea into the emptiness that should be the Force.

_ It’s now or never.  _

With that final thought, Rey lowered herself down into the water. She started slowly, but as the shock of the cold took over, she forced herself all the way in. As the piercing cold infiltrates her senses, she forces herself to focus on the numbers and not the prickling of her skin. She urged her mind to remain blank, forcing away images that she fought hard to keep down. 

As the numbers increased, the pain decreased. Soon she found the cold bearable. It was then that she began to loosen her limbs, allowing her body to float to the top of the lake. Her face surfaced and she allowed herself a deep gasp. Then her breaths became rhythmic, she felt nothing but the weightlessness of floating. 

A sharp panic hit her. 

Defenseless. 

That’s what she felt right now. Anything could take her, and she wouldn’t know until it was too late. She tried to remember the rain on Ahch-To, how rejuvenating and calming it was; so unlike the heavy weight around her, pulling at her insecurities and panic. Her breathing echoed in her head, the only sound coming in. She focused on it, keeping her eyes closed tight.

_ In.  _

__ Out.   
  


_ In.  _

_ Out.  _

She found herself relaxing. Thinking of nothing but the expansion of her lungs with each intake. She could hear the inner workings of her body - the heart beating, the lungs contracting … the soul yearning. 

A pinprick of light in the distance, faint but glowing. Rey focused on it, willing herself to be opened to the Force. She called for it, longed for it. The light grew a little brighter and Rey could see her arm reaching out for it, though she could not feel it. 

Her lips parted; a quiet gasp. Rey was searching, her mind’s eye a frenzy of motion, looking to and fro trying to stay with the light that suddenly seemed so far out of her grasp. It was taunting her, teasing her. She could sense her feet were running, hand still outstretched, trying to catch up. 

_ Please  _ she echoed into the void. 

_ Please don’t leave me.  _

There was a sudden roar, waves crashing violently in her ear. The ground she realized she was running on kiltered sideways, knocking her into the torrential sea. She was drowning, being thrown this way and that. She could not gain control. She couldn’t breathe. She was going to die. 

As she sank deeper into the water, the wave far above her head, she uprighted herself as best she could determine. Dark hues of blue and green saturated her vision. She couldn’t find the little light. She kicked, and flailed her arms, twisting around in every direction. 

_ Where is it?  _

_ Where IS it?  _

The ringing became louder, her lungs were on fire. She couldn’t hear anything other than the loud tinnitus as it bore down on her. She closed her eyes again, trying to find the light with her mind instead. But there was nothing. It was completely dark. 

She was utterly alone.

She gave up on kicking her legs and allowed herself to go limp. She had no fight in her. This was pointless, she was useless and the Force didn’t need her anymore. It had given her a mission and she had failed, therefore it was rejecting her. The burning in her lungs continued to grow stronger and she welcomed it. If she was no longer needed, then there was no reason to stay. 

Rey felt herself sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness. She tried to remember the people she had come to love, but no faces would register. Her memories were only bleak. Jakku. Her parents. Plutt. Loneliness. 

The loneliness came down on her hard. A weight forcing herself to sink even faster to the endless bottom of the lake. No one wanted her. Even the people she had met in her travels. They all had their  _ someones _ and they merely needed her for her skills. 

Skills she no longer had. 

_ Just hold on.  _

It echoed loudly in the nothingness, completely derailing her thoughts. 

_ I’m here.  _

Just as that whisper flickered through her mind’s eye, she found herself choking. Her lungs were desperate for air, forcing her to inhale. Water filled her mouth, filled her lungs. She coughed, but only took in more. She began to kick again, desperate to find air. 

It hurt so much.

She was too far down. 

This was it. 

Rey sunk back, allowing herself to lay down. As she felt the weariness begin to take over, she looked up and saw a shimmering, bright light just passed the water’s surface. It was like the sun, bright and clear; radiant. She felt it warming her, even from so far down below. She couldn’t make out what it was, but she was thankful for it. A kindness at the end of it all. 

A break in the surface; she closed her eyes. 

A tight grip around her middle; her mind went blank. 

  
  
  
  


Crackling and popping. 

Warmth. 

Rey felt something heavy on her, she felt dry, she felt...alive. She opened her eyes ever so slowly, a pounding in her head making it difficult. She was still in the cave from what she could gather. A fire was blazing a bit away from where she was resting. It’s light dancing on the glittering walls of the cave hollow. She was at the opening, she could hear rain pelting down outside. It made her shiver despite the warmth. 

Slowly, with an unflattering groan, Rey hoisted herself up. Her legs stayed stretched before her, she rested the weight of her upper body on her hands. Her chest ached. She felt hollow inside, and as if someone used her as a punching bag. Rey groaned again, a low curse escaping her lips. 

A deep chuckle emerged from behind the flames. Rey startled, forcing her eyes open once more and searching the shadows. 

“Ben,” she whispered. “You’re… here.” 

She thought she saw him nod. “I am.” 

He didn’t move. But she could feel his gaze through the fire. It burned her even more. She had forgotten that he had been there. Was he the one that pulled her out? She felt her eyes grow wet, suddenly filled with shame. She couldn’t cry in front of him, she had already made such a fool of herself. 

Still the tears began to fall, a sob she couldn’t fight back ripped through her chest, and her shoulders heaved forward. Why was she so upset? Another sob, and then another. She was choking on her tears as they continued to pour freely, soaking her cheeks and tunic. Shame, panic, self loathing - it all swirled in a dark mass inside of her. Consuming her. 

Rey was certain that no one else would come looking for her. No one else thought to check in and see if she was okay. The Resistance was as busy as ever, working hard to save the galaxy. Rarely thinking how they could help their troops. She was merely “The Jedi” to them, their greatest weapon. If she had said even a word about her loss, she knew she would have been kicked out. She was utterly useless to them. 

Ripping her out of her thoughts, Rey felt herself being pulled into something solid and warm. She panicked, trying to pull back, but the arms around her merely gripped tighter, held her closer. An overwhelming feeling of comfort washed over her. She breathed him in, felt herself coming back to reality. Her arms lifted on their own accord and grabbed his tunic, burying herself in his chest. Rey wept and wept, and he never tried to stop her. She could feel his hand occasionally stroke the back of her neck. It was soothing, and she wanted to feel it forever. 

Over minutes, hours, days she finally felt the tears subside. Her throat raw from sobbing, she dialed it down to merely sniffling. In that expanse of time, Kylo had shifted them. She was curled into his lap, he cradled her against him with one hand, the other were perpetually stroking her hair, her neck, her face. Rey wanted to sleep.

“Let yourself rest,” Kylo murmured against her hair. She leaned toward his voice. 

“I don’t want you to go.” 

“I will never leave you.” 

His words blasted through her chest, seizing her heart. She felt new tears begin to form and quickly she pushed herself away. But his arms held fast, and he lowered his face to hers, urging her with his eyes. 

“Rey, I will  _ never _ leave you.” 

“Everyone leaves,” she whispered back. “I’m…” a sob broke through again. “No one wants me.” Her face crumpled and she hated herself. Where was all of this coming from? She couldn’t be this weak in front of him. She willed herself to disappear, to just sink into the dirt beneath them. Anywhere but here. 

“Rey.” She felt gloved hands on either side of her face, a thumb wiping away the trail of tears. “You are wanted.” 

She began to shake her head, but his hands wouldn’t let her. Instead, she felt them force her chin up and down, essentially causing her to nod. It felt ridiculous. 

“I want you to listen to me, I want you to believe me,” another caressing touch to her cheek. She sniffled. “Now that I have known you, I can never lose you. I need you here with me. I  _ need _ you, Rey.” 

Her eyes flitted up to his with registered shock. He couldn’t have meant that the way it sounded. He needed her for her skills in the Force. Skills she didn’t even have anymore. That’s all anyone has ever needed her for. 

He growled. “Stop that. I know what you’re thinking.” His deep chestnut eyes bounced back and forth between her own, panic and...something else etched through them. “I am not looking to use you, scavenger. I don’t need you for your abilities.” 

He pulled her to him again, digging a hand through her hair as another held her tight against him. “I can’t lose  _ you _ . Not your skills, not your strength. Just you.” 

As Rey began to let the words sink in, she realized she could feel him. Just him, not his force signature, not his thoughts. No, Kylo’s emotions were simply rolling off of him. She could feel his anguish and fear. She could feel his desperation. She could feel his love. 

When had that happened? 

Her hands drifted up to his face just had he had done earlier. She traced the scar she’d given him, a fainter scar across the opposite cheek. His eyes were sunken and the lids heavy. He was exhausted. But he was here with her. 

For her. 

She looked into his eyes and he did not shy away. Kylo let her see everything, bared it all for her. He knew how she felt. He was there too. They both longed for connection, for companionship. For devotion and trust. For safety and love. If she were to be truly honest with herself, they longed for each other. 

A roaring of waves filled her ears again and Rey started. He held her firmly, keeping her in their reality, not allowing her to drift back to  _ that  _ place again. She needed him. 

“Why?” Was all she was able to get out. She felt weak again, so tired. 

“Because,” his voice was in her ear, as he tucked her under his chin, “to me, you are somebody. You are everything.” 

For her, that was enough. 

  
  
  
  



End file.
